The Best and Worst of the Internet

I cannot imagine planning a wedding without the wonderful series of tubes that is the internet. It has been an indispensable tool for finding vendors, estimating costs, and purchasing various bits on the cheap. However, it hasn't all been icanhascheezeburger and woot... there's been a good amount of hosanna1 in there as well. It's a minefield out there, and no one gives you a map! In that spirit, I present to you the best and worst of the wedding internet.





WEDDING PLANNING WEBSITES
Best - weddingwire.com. Budget tool? Check. To Do list? Check? Seating Map? Check. iPhone App? Check. Good stuff here. The build-your-own wedding website offered here even coordinates with our invites... as in, they were made to match each other. Nice. Honorable mention goes to theknot.com, which fell short of many of the categories listed above... but is filled with great ideas and articles.

Worst - weddingabc.net. Here, you can "make you own wedding place card". Also, don't miss this poorly written guide to wedding photographs, complete with the gem: "Another thing that you would need properly done would be the make-up of the bride and the bridesmaids. As a matter of fact, even grooms today wear a bit of make-up so that would look great in the photographs."

PHOTOGRAPHER WEBSITES
Best - www.genevievenisly.com. Has lots of beautiful examples of photos that stand on their own as works of art, and best of all... no annoying soundtrack. It can be done! Too bad she is waaaaay out of our price range.

Worst - (not safe for work) livingstonephotography.com. Wins mostly for the "boudoir" section. I understand the idea behind wedding boudoir photos... as a loving gift to your groom-to-be. However, they have to be done in a very classy manner and these, well, are not. Watch the slideshow for a good laugh! Some of my favorite moments: a bouquet covering the lady business, really bad tan lines, and (I am not kidding) an engagement ring around a nipple.

DISC JOCKEY WEBSITES
Best - selectivesound.com. Proves you can have a nice website without music or videos all over the place. Love the searchable song list! Yes, Laura, they have Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart!

Worst - arizonadjmusic.com. This lady can be your DJ, your band, your officiant, hell... she'll even marry the groom herself if that's what it takes to be your DJ/Band/Officiant. You can even listen to her sing a duet of "I got you, Babe" with herself, you know... just in case you were worried your wedding day would be about you and not her.

HEADPIECE WEBSITES
Best - wedding-veil.com. To be fair, I haven't received my shipment yet, so I can't speak to their customer service, but I must say I was very impressed by the variety, customization, and especially the prices of this website.

Worst - mariaelenaheadpieces.com. I'm not sure what's worse, the looping soundtrack or the complete lack of information. Maybe it's the ethereal way the ladies are photographed, making it impossible to see any detail in the items. Maybe it's the fact that their items seem to only be worn by redheads.

ACCESSORY WEBSITES
Best - zappos.com. I cannot say enough good things about zappos. Shoes are easy to find, and shipping is free and speedy. Best of all, if you need to return shoes (like the beautiful yet painful ones), it's also free shipping.

Worst - catanfashions.com. I really disliked these guys. They were rude, unhelpful, and seemed to not have time for me once they realized I wasn't going to spend $5000 on a dress. So, tell me, if you want to be such a high-class place, Catans, why the ugly and not helpful website? Why?

Well, there you have it! I hope this little guide has been useful! And remember, the internet is a terrible place.

The Runners Up

Well we've selected all of the fantastic vendors who will help us make the wedding into a special event!  Throughout the process we've placed a premium on customer service and I think we've found a collection of folks who surpassed the high bar that we've set for our wedding.

But, alas, not everyone can be fantastic.  Along the way we've encountered a few examples of less than phenomenal customer service.  I will now relay the stories of these meetings in a tone of condescension and mockery.  Enjoy! As expected, all names have been changed to protect the guileless.

Wedding Reception Location Lady at Big Mansion

Most people like to plan out the details of their own wedding.  Erica and I, being people, fall squarely into this category.  Thus it was a little concerning when WRLLaBM (we'll call her) started going through every detail of the reception declaring "This is how we do it here."  Maybe we should be thankful for her desire to alleviate us of the burden of having to plan our own wedding.  But explaining that the cake had to be in a different room because "that's the way the mansion wanted it." might leave the guests a tad troubled.

Helpfulness: D+

Politeness: C-

Creepiness: C

Videographer Man
When someone contacts you and declares "We've decided on you, when can we meet?" it's usually best to jump up and make it happen.  Answering with "I still have more questions." (and more questions, and more questions and more questions) and then finally scheduling a meeting only to cancel it multiple times is not advised behavior.  Also not advised, waiting weeks to call someone back and giving bad explanations like "I'm so busy around tax time," or "I just plain forgot." (which made me appreciate the decency of a good excuse.)

Helpfulness: C+

Politeness: B-

Dependability: F

Quick tip for the gentlemen readers, the above paragraph is also good advice re: courtin' the ladies.

Certain Local Wedding Dress Retail Chain
This story I relay through Erica who scheduled an appointment for a dress fitting at a certain local wedding dress retail chain and arrived on time only to have to wait, and wait, and wait.  But perhaps she misunderstood the nature of wedding dress appointments.  Maybe they're more like doctor's appointments than she realized.  Still if that's the case, the least they could do is provide you with a month old issue of Healthy Living to peruse while you wait.  Instead (after about 45 minutes of waiting) Erica's mother decided to fill her time by looking through dresses on her own, resulting in a rude salesperson chirping "Are you being helped?"  Her response, "We're supposed to be!"  Turns out all the salespeople were busy helping customers who were buying more expensive dresses.

Helpfulness: D

Politeness: F

Ability to keep Erica's mom happy: F-

Tuxedo Rental Lady

I'm no fashionista, but I do have a decent sense of what looks good (thank you Project Runway!).  Still, if I'm making a ridiculously misguided choice I'd hope my salesperson responds by gently inching me toward something more acceptable instead of declaring "You're doing that?" with disgust or "Are you serious?" and then forcefully nudging me toward styles that match less (I'm fashionable enough to know that if the groom has a one button jacket, the groomsmen shouldn't have three button jackets), but are far more expensive.

Helpfulness: D-

Politeness: D-

Voice's ability to reach pitches audible only to dogs: A+

Mr. DJ
This DJ was probably my favorite bad vendor.  He started our meeting by forgetting our meeting, then telling us that he'd forgotten our meeting, then chewing the remaining scraps of his dinner throughout our meeting, stopping briefly to spit a little on his shirt.  He attempted to impress us by referring to weddings he'd worked by the names of the couples.  "Oh yeah, we did that for Frank and Sandra's wedding," he'd say as he showed us a photo.  He did this over and over and over.   Was he just good at remembering names?  Possibly, but he kept forgetting ours.  We did appreciate him cluing us into his reception routine by cracking every bad joke he knew during our meeting.  Example: "So then we'll select a song to play during your cake smashing... I mean cutting ceremony, yuk yuk, hardy-har-har, eh? eh?"

Helpfulness: D

Politeness: C

Joke Quality: Jeff Foxworthy

Footwear Fail!

Ode to the shoes I cannot have , even though I ordered 2 pairs to make sure I had the right size and waited 3 months till they came back into stock, and when I tried them on they hurt my feet just badly enough that I had to remind myself that I didn't want to suffer on my wedding day even though the damn things are freaking gorgeous.



The aubergine hue an obsession
And rosettes desire possession
But a four inch heel
Had little appeal
And this sent me into depression.

Stop the stereotypes, I want to get off!

At times in this whole wedding planning process, I get annoyed at the implication that I, as one who lacks a Y chromosome, have been planning, dreaming about, and obsessing over my wedding since I got my first princess doll shoved into my hands. This is just not the case for me and I assume, despite what all the wedding books, magazines, TV shows and websites say that most brides have not thought of their entire life thus far simply a warm up for a single day.

I mean, look at this girl! She's oozing sweet dreams of wedded bliss. Bonus! She even has her hand on her uterus!

I think the thing that annoys me the most is that it seems to be so accepted that all little girls want is to be pretty (and a mommy). I'm not saying that those are bad qualities... they aren't... and I'm not saying that we don't encourage our girls to aspire to more. But I think we need to give our little girls fewer dolls and more LEGOs.

But that's not to say this hasn't been a ton of fun. It really has been!

Take my dress, for instance. The gown is really the epicenter of the little girl wedding-dream princess-crown thing... but admittedly, despite my being hard hearted when it comes to such fantasies, I really enjoyed trying on dresses. I didn't have a "the one" moment, nor did I or my mother burst into tears, but I did select a dress that could be described as "sexy" and "airy" and "classy" and is entirely unlike anything I would have imagined when I was 6. These are all excellent things.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping...

Has it really been that long since we updated the blog?  Well what happened was, we just plain forgot we were getting married.  Seriously, though folks, writing a blog is like being on a diet.  You inevitably take time off for the holidays and then never get back into it.  So here's what we're going to do.  We're going to pretend that this was what we wanted to do all along.  Yes Wedding Blog Phase 1, May 2009-October 2009 went along smashingly.  Then the six month hiatus that was totally part of the plan came and went, and now it's time for May 2010 - October 2010 Wedding Blog Phase 2: The Re-Weddening! (in which we'll discuss topics like dress purchasing, flower arranging, honeymoon planning, seat charting and oh so much more!)  Stay tuned...

A Bridal Show Quiz

You may never have been to a bustling bridal show, but that doesn't mean you're not an expert. Take this quiz and find out. Just read through and when prompted, select the phrase that best completes each sentence. And remember, if you haven't been to a bridal show, you're already a winner:

1.
"Hi, and welcome to the (bridal show/ worst of humanity expo). Here you'll find a wide variety of (helpful / pushy) vendors. Feel free to look around and talk to everyone. And remember, all of our participants are just dying to get (your business / your information for their mailing list). Before you get started let me give you this (tote bag / phony smile)."

2.
"Hello there. This is the booth for Professional DJ's. First things, first.... we're having a giveaway contest! It's the perfect opportunity for us to (give you free stuff / get your information for our mailing list). Please fill this out. Now a little bit about us: Professional DJ's has been employing (great DJ's / failed actors) for the past twenty years. We know that your wedding is (your special day / our chance to find a talent scout in the crowd) and we look forward to (working with you / mispronouncing the names of everyone in your party). We'd love to (hear / ignore) any thoughts our desires you have relating to your ceremony. We can't wait to work with you and (create a beautiful day / play Personal Jesus for the ten millionth time)."

3.
"Howdy. I'm here representing Videographers R'Us. I'm (curious / obligated to ask), have you chosen a videographer yet? You haven't? Well that's fantastic. Hey before we go any further I should tell you that we're having a great sweepstakes. Just fill this out so we can (enter you in the contest / get your information for our mailing list). Fantastic! Did you know that all of our employees at Videographers R'Us have (extensive videography knowledge / the ability to point a camera and push a button)? If you'll just draw your attention to that monitor behind me, you'll see some of our work. You can tell that the gentleman who filmed this has (stylish sensibilities / one leg longer than the other). I'll bet you've always wanted a wedding video that had (great production values / an excessive amount of fades). Well we here at Videographers R'Us can provide that. That's why it's so important to us that you (book early / don't know anything about videography) so we can (best help you / hide our incompetence). Hey great chatting with you, and have a nice day."

4.
"Pardon me, I'm from The Tuxedo Shop. I couldn't help but notice you're here by yourself. I'll bet your bride is off (watching the fashion show / fantasizing about killing everyone here). Well this is a great chance for me to tell you about our tuxedos. But first you should know that we're having a sweepstakes contest. Just fill out this form so we can (give you free services / pester the shit out of you). Awesome! Now, as for us, we have all sorts of tuxes. We've got black tuxes if you're a traditionalist or white tuxes if you're (non-traditionalist / mentally deranged). Not to mention a special sale that we're running (this weekend only / anytime we're desperate for business) that includes a free tux for you when all the rest of your groomsmen purchase with us. We know that you like (saving money / passing the cost of things on to your friends). Worried about finding the right color vests? Not a problem. As you can see by our (samples behind me / twelve sales people) we pride ourselves in providing (a wide variety / overkill). I hope you'll consider us. Just remember, the most important thing to us is (your business / buying more hair gel)."

Well, how'd you do? Think you passed? If you didn't, you've probably never been to a bridal show before.... to bad. But don't worry, you can always take the quiz over after actually going to a bridal show. And who knows, you might even get entered to win a fabulous prize!

The Top 5 Wedding Photography Blunders

Looking over photographer's websites to screen possibilities was an amusing project. Some pictures made me laugh out loud, some made me gasp in horror, still others left me totally speechless. It took quite a bit of hemming and, indeed, hawing to make a choice... but the winner was a company called Z-media. Particularly because of the photographer's easy-going attitude, the fact that we get a CD with the rights to the pictures, and the fact that they seemed to understand what it was we wanted. Or, more accurately, what it was we didn't want. That brings me to the aforementioned amusement. In that spirit, I give you...

The Top 5 Wedding Photography Blunders

5) Ridiculously posed still-lifes
I understand arranging detail shots to have a nicely composed still life. However, my suspension of disbelief only goes so far. I have seen shoes hanging from a chandelier, boutonnieres balanced precariously on the rims of champagne glasses, and (as you can see here) a crab ring bearer. If you have to harass wildlife, leave it out of my wedding, please.



4) Aggressively tiled angles
Look out! It's a "Titanic" wedding! If your photo is not interesting enough when viewed at a normal angle, perhaps you should re-frame it, as opposed to tilting your camera 45 degrees. Alfred HItchcock used this gimmick fewer times in the film Vertigo.





3) Weird picture superimposition
Um, did the bride and groom die at the end of the ceremony and are now perpetually forced to hover over their wedding as ghosts? Did they eat themselves? Get tiny wedding action figurines (collect the whole set!) in their likeness? What is the point of this?









2) Poorly composed shots (with BONUS! Bad Vignette fade!)
Good photographs are not just a snapshot of events, but they should also follow the same rules as all forms of art. That is: balance and composition. A good idea (say, the feet of a child dancing on those of an adult) needs good composition (say, being able to see both legs of said child).




1) Extreme color retouching
I'm just going to let this picture of a bride and groom on the onset of armageddon speak for itself.